“Codependency is not about a relationship with an addict, it is the absence of relationship with self.” ~Terry Kellogg

There is considerable psychological literature on the problems of the codependent relationship… It is usually characteristic of a person without an acceptable self identity seeking someone in a relationship where they can lose themselves by giving up control to another person.

When we can’t meet socially conditioned expectations, it tends to result in feelings of inadequacy …this experience can lead one to admire and desire help from people who appear to be more successful and confident…it tends to bring about a feeling of attraction toward such a person and hopes for a relationship with them..but it also offers those who have a mutual need to be in control and in a position of power a very appealing involvement…it takes two people with such complimentary needs to create the basic seeds of a codependent relationship…this attraction usually is felt as genuine love feelings instead of the beginning of an unwholesome codependency.

Those who look for support and control outside themselves are essentially giving up their independence and personal integrity…however they may find considerable relief from their past stressful attempts to  successfully control their own life when coming under the control and power of someone else… it may create an intense feeling of needing them along with infantile gratifications of complete dependency…such a relationship unfortunately can develop into an addiction with the only meaning and purpose of life is to lose oneself in a merger with a partner who has become their substitute self…like any addiction,there is deterioration in personal integrity and lifestyle.

Very often steps to correct this problem only occurs when the situation hits rock bottom…the final stage may reach a point where uncontrollable violence develops…even at this point the battered person may find it irresistible to satisfy her addictive needs by returning …the gratification of coming under the control of a domineering mate can have a trance like release deceptively experienced as intoxicating and liberating…there are some traditional religions and cultures which encourage a similar type of male/female relationship which also raises questions whether instinctual and biological factors play a role in this behavior.

However when taken to its final conclusion it is an extraordinary example of a failed socially conditioned self moving down a rather destructive path…regretfully,the  socially conditioned self is largely a fabricated device of society to maintain conventional behavior…and relaxing these pressures would be a threat  in meeting our social expectations.

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